Ässä (Ace) Juri Nummelin's new flash crime fiction magazine from FINLAND has asked to reprint Working in the Suburbs. Of course, I said YES! Juri Nummelin - for those of you who don't know him - is a premier small press and newspaper publisher in Finland. He also publishes a crime & mystery magazine, Isku (Punch) and is on the staff at Thrilling Detective. BIG NEWS! THIS STORY WAS CHOSEN FOR INCLUSION IN A FINNISH SCHOOL TEXTBOOK! (2018)
Working In The Suburbs by Kate Thornton
Some people like the city at night. They thrill to the traffic, the bustle, the noise and lights. They love to dress up and be seen, go out, drink, laugh, talk too loud and feel sexy and sophisticated. They feel sparkling and alive in the bars and restaurants, galleries and hot spots.
Not me. I prefer the suburbs.
The suburbs are quiet, calm, lit by individual houses on orderly streets, smelling of roses and jasmine and recently-watered lawns.
And easy to walk through, if you have a good haircut, Dockers and a polo shirt and look like you belong. You know, look average for the suburbs. A dog helps, gives you an excuse for being on the street at all hours, and even up close to the houses, if someone asks.
“Oh, I’m so sorry – Buster here just ran away with me, must have seen a kitty cat or something.”
Or sometimes, “Yes, I live over on Fleming (or First or Main.) We’re new in the neighborhood.”
Or even just, “Good evening” and a slight nod.
Later, they might remember they saw someone out walking their dog, but they’ll never remember who. “Oh, just that guy, you know, walks his dog. From over on Mission (or Buffington or Wright.)”
“The dog? I dunno – just a mutt, I guess.”
Keep the dog small, but not too small – a guy with a little ankle-nipper looks weird, and a big dog is scary. I have found that a nice mixed breed about the size of a beagle or a terrier works fine.
Make sure you clean up after your dog – the last thing you want is a complaint. I carry those little plastic baggy things. And keep a few doggy treats in your pocket.
There’s plenty of parking on side streets or in cul-de-sacs. Drive an SUV like everyone else and no one will notice you. Besides, you can keep all your stuff in it.
Oh, and don’t hurry. Just take it nice and slow. A nice easy walk on a nice evening in a nice neighborhood. Do the same walk a few times so you know which one you want and so anyone looking out will see a normal routine.
Remember, little kids like dogs and you’re just a friendly neighbor from over on Garey (or Park or Towne.) And maybe the kid has already petted Buster a couple of evenings ago or given him a doggy treat. Get the kid’s name, if you can.
Now you’re ready. It’s really surprising how many people in the suburbs feel safe and let their kids play out in the yard in the evening. And the kids are usually well-kept, clean and pretty.
I tell you, it’s easy pickings out in the suburbs.
THE END
Kate Thornton © 2006
Some people like the city at night. They thrill to the traffic, the bustle, the noise and lights. They love to dress up and be seen, go out, drink, laugh, talk too loud and feel sexy and sophisticated. They feel sparkling and alive in the bars and restaurants, galleries and hot spots.
Not me. I prefer the suburbs.
The suburbs are quiet, calm, lit by individual houses on orderly streets, smelling of roses and jasmine and recently-watered lawns.
And easy to walk through, if you have a good haircut, Dockers and a polo shirt and look like you belong. You know, look average for the suburbs. A dog helps, gives you an excuse for being on the street at all hours, and even up close to the houses, if someone asks.
“Oh, I’m so sorry – Buster here just ran away with me, must have seen a kitty cat or something.”
Or sometimes, “Yes, I live over on Fleming (or First or Main.) We’re new in the neighborhood.”
Or even just, “Good evening” and a slight nod.
Later, they might remember they saw someone out walking their dog, but they’ll never remember who. “Oh, just that guy, you know, walks his dog. From over on Mission (or Buffington or Wright.)”
“The dog? I dunno – just a mutt, I guess.”
Keep the dog small, but not too small – a guy with a little ankle-nipper looks weird, and a big dog is scary. I have found that a nice mixed breed about the size of a beagle or a terrier works fine.
Make sure you clean up after your dog – the last thing you want is a complaint. I carry those little plastic baggy things. And keep a few doggy treats in your pocket.
There’s plenty of parking on side streets or in cul-de-sacs. Drive an SUV like everyone else and no one will notice you. Besides, you can keep all your stuff in it.
Oh, and don’t hurry. Just take it nice and slow. A nice easy walk on a nice evening in a nice neighborhood. Do the same walk a few times so you know which one you want and so anyone looking out will see a normal routine.
Remember, little kids like dogs and you’re just a friendly neighbor from over on Garey (or Park or Towne.) And maybe the kid has already petted Buster a couple of evenings ago or given him a doggy treat. Get the kid’s name, if you can.
Now you’re ready. It’s really surprising how many people in the suburbs feel safe and let their kids play out in the yard in the evening. And the kids are usually well-kept, clean and pretty.
I tell you, it’s easy pickings out in the suburbs.
THE END
Kate Thornton © 2006